judgement

3 Weeks On An Air Mattress

Dear you, reading this,

I'm having trouble trying to sleep. I'm counting sheep but running out. As time ticks by, I have a lot of time to think about things. Having a purpose in life is helpful. Life is taxing. It's so easy to forget why you're here on this earth. Luckily for me, I have the Red Rocks show on April 1st 2020. Sometimes I forget why I'm doing that. It has something to do with spreading joy and promoting togetherness.

That brings me to an interesting topic of discussion. Is love enough? The Beatles would have you believe that is all you need is love. Clone High taught me that love is just an abstract concept. It can't knock down stuff. This is the constant struggle I have with love. By itself, love is worthless and yet, If you let your love guide you, you'll find yourself doing things you never thought possible. So what is love? (baby don't hurt me) I've grown fond of saying life is a series of moments and love is wanting to spend those moments together. I'd like to spend what time I have on this planet with as many people as possible. This isn't to say that I want an extravagant number of romantic partners. I honestly get a huge thrill simply by being in a gathering of people. Social events are super fun! I have so much love for all the beautiful, amazing people I've met and continue to meet. Is it enough for them? I have no money, so I feel unwelcome when I go out on the town. I've got friends that will buy me drinks and food. Still, when I need to be paid for, it lowers my confidence. I start thinking that there's something wrong with me and it causes a distress that makes it hard to stay in touch with my love for the people around me. I start to get judgemental.

What's the point of being negatively judgemental? Protection seems like the best explanation. I'm not going to pretend like I don't judge people. It doesn't help me out too much. It starts with me being uncomfortable. I start thinking I'm less than others and in response, I start cutting them down in my mind. This could happen anywhere. For instance, my acquaintance Dave is a swell fellow. He's dedicated to his craft and he hooks it up with weed and food. He's also about twice my age and that's where I get judgemental. I have other friends that are decades older than me and I'm totally cool with them. But when my only friend in town besides my roommate is a dude twice my age, I start to think I'm a loser. I start to think I can't socialize with people my age. Any friendship between Dave and I seems propped up by mutual desperation for human contact. I hate feeling desperate. The best way to stop feeling desperate is to simply decide you don't need something. That can be hard. A quick shortcut is thinking that everyone is more desperate than you. So, in my mind I start judging Dave and others in Tucson. When I go out to the clubs, the thought of a girl thinking I'm desperate or creepy is enough to prepare an arsenal of insults. This is all silly because I've enjoyed everyone I've met here. If anything, The judgements I've built in my head are the only things that would prevent me from enjoying someone's company.

I am desperate sometimes. I don't know what for. Other times, I find myself in a moment where I don't care about the past or future. I don't even worry about the moment ending because I'm so wrapped up in my surroundings. It normally happens when I'm talking to someone for longer than I anticipated. If I'm desperate for anything it's that feeling. If you can't afford drugs, drugs don't help. All you focus on is how your pleasure is rapidly coming to a close. If you don't feel love for the people who surround you, people don't help. You get judgemental. The only things that help me get to the state I'm desperate for are being creative, minimizing damage, and meditating. You can do all three while sittings still. When you're in that state of being, love is all you need.

As always, Thank you for reading,

-K-Wullums

J Say of the Day: Small talk is fun. I bet you like it more than you think.