Dear you, Reading this,
I haven't updated the site in a while. It was strange. I'd still come here and think to write something and just give up immediately. It wasn't that I had writers block. There was plenty to say, I just couldn't imagine it needed to be said by me. I gave up smoking weed for about three and a half weeks and it was nice being sober; however, it didn't make me better myself in any way. When I started smoking again, I was incapable of doing anything because I would just fall asleep. Right now I'm debating whether or not that's worthy of writing down. This will take up space in some server that's killing the planet by running constantly so this can be accessed from any internet device at any time provided it's not blocked by a government firewall.
We live in a world full of information. Is there such thing as too much information? Is a lie information? You could look up a ted talk on each of these. You don't even have to. Those first three sentences are links and in the process of finding them, I got distracted by watching one of them. So many things are vying for our attention. It's tough to decide what to give your attention. When we don't think about how we give our attention, it's easy to slip into escapism or entertainment. These are forms of drugs like any other and you can waste days binge watching TV or playing video games, secure in the belief that you just need to relax. If you think too much about what needs your attention, you can quickly become and elitist or a downright bummer. Suddenly, you always have something to interject into a conversation that the other people, in your opinion, should have been focusing on. This could be a piece of art you deem to be more profound, even though art is subjective, or some cause that you feel doesn't have enough attention or money. I have been bouncing between these two ever since I came back to Colorado and it has my mind in knots. Even right now, I'm wondering if there was more research I could do into the study of attention. I'm wondering if what I said was rooted in fact or superstition. I'm wondering why I'm not talking about how millions of bots were sending messages to the FCC about abolishing net neutrality, some on behalf of dead people. I'm sure it's sheer coincidence that when I started googling net neutrality, the internet stopped working where I am. Now, I'm wondering if I'm trying to push an agenda just because it suits me.
I don't know what narrative this is trying to push. Some people want to believe that the world is governed by a perfect author. We want an author who can give us our perfect role in a world we can make an impact on. Of course, that isn't the world in which we live. Every author has their flaws. I just got done reading Christopher Moore's Secondhand Souls in which he repeatedly refers to his characters as beta-males even though that concept was invented by a guy who disavowed his own studies. I think Secondhand Souls is a thrilling read, but it's not without it's flaws. Regardless of the author, no matter how many different perspectives they include, you are still getting a perception based on limited scope of too much information. Authors either need to make things fit, or predict futures they aren't part of. Jennifer Egan takes a stab at what texting would turn out to be in A Visit From the Goon Squad and she was way off. This leads some of us to wanting to believe that the world has no supreme author. If that were true we'd be able to form whatever narrative we want for ourselves. We know this isn't true either. Society relies on the works of authors for our information. This is how we got too much information in the first place. Some believe in the law that was written by imperfect persons and they might force you into a tiny cell if your narrative disagrees with theirs. Some believe in sacred texts written by imperfect authors and will shame or kill you if your narrative differs too much. Some still believe that TV shows and books written by imperfect authors give us insight into how the world actually functions and will try and give you solid advice based on the lies they've been sold. The truth is the world is a wiki. Everyone can contribute and everyone can let their own ideas be formed by what is already there. There's too much to ever fully get a grip on reality. What I know is this. I'm scared. I'm scared of giving up my narrative and my illusion. I want to believe in gods, demons, and mythological creatures and I want them to be at a distance where I can always overcome them. I want to believe that my dismissal of opportunities will pay off because somehow, I deserve more than the people who worked harder, learned more, and dealt with more adversity. More than anything I want to believe I'll get to the point where I don't feel envy or scorn towards other humans. Luckily, David Wong already wrote this narrative in his John Dies Trilogy. I thought I finally found someone who got it when I started experiencing the stuff in his books. At the end of the third book he included an open letter telling anyone who thinks that way to seek therapy. He's probably right. After all, I'm a flawed author basing his ideas on too much information, believing them to be accurate, who probably didn't need to say anything.
As always, Thank you for reading,
J say of the day: Early to bed, early to rise, is how people act when they've spent a day hungover.