Dear you, reading this,
I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel angry and energetic because I’ve fallen into a negative thought loop where I’m just along for a ride that never ends. My Grammy told me to start from a place of gratitude so here we go. First off, I am grateful that my family loves me enough to put up with me. I’m grateful that all my limbs work. I am grateful for all the women and dudes who have shared physical intimacy with me. I’m grateful for the house I live in. I like watching the fishies swim around. I am grateful that I have the Rocky Mountains so close by and that I can look at them as I drive and hike them on my off time. I’m grateful for all the traveling I’ve been able to do, the friends I met along the way, and everyone who welcomed me back. If you talk to me, it helped.
With that being said, there’s still a ton of nightmares out there. Life is amazing, yes, but it’s incredibly tedious and it’s really hard to be happy about that when so much of it is only here because of terrorism. When people think of terrorism, they probably think beheadings and suicide bombings. Terrorism is so much more than that. It’s any instance of using terror to advance an agenda. America is doing unfavorable stuff in your country? Fly Planes into their buildings. Countries hold political systems that restrict your access to their resources? Overthrow the government. People aren’t praising God enough? Kill them. Citizens treat each other and their bodies disrespectfully? Lock them up. Kill some of them. You think somebody knows something? Torture them. People are coming into your country after fleeing violence your country had a hand in creating? Separate them, lock them up, let some die. Kids at school make fun of you for being an asshole who hates women? Shoot em. Rich making life miserable? Chop their heads off in the town square. Poor people aren’t supporting your agenda? Let them starve. Your parents don’t understand? Yell at them. Your kids are acting up? Beat them. You don’t like life but have social media? Type slurs, insults and epithets till you get carpal tunnel and your fingers bleed. It’s all just different levels of the same thought. “Fear will stop this. Once they see what we do to them and people like them, they will stop.” Some times it works, other times it doesn’t. The truth is, it only holds something back for so long or creates a new monster to destroy. Even when it comes to solving terrorism itself, most of the efforts are terrorism. What really kills me is the people who think life has to be this way. If you want it to be this way, yikes, but oh well. If you think it has to be this way, I don’t know what to tell you. I don’t believe it does. Although, I want to blast the loudest noise possible at the people who run the detention centers so maybe I’m contributing to the problem.
For years I’ve felt like the problem. All those things that I’m grateful for came at a cost. My nation was built on savage people treating others like animals. My nations current economic system relies on a disposable work force. I just want to get high and befuddle trolls on the internet. I’ve met people who are fine with all that and still want to keep living. Most people I’ve talked to just want food, water, shelter, family, friends, a community, reliable transportation, and entertainment. I thought we had the resources to give everyone that. I suppose on some level it would be nice. It’d be nice to fall in love with someone. It’d be nice to watch my offspring grow and flourish. It’d be nice to be able to go somewhere every week, see the same people, and take care of each other. If you have that, please know that I don’t want to take that away. I’m happy for you. However, I would like you to examine the cost. Does that require people being terrorized for trying to live and express themselves? If so, It’s probably not worth it in the long run. If not, WHY ARE WE STILL TERRORIZING PEOPLE?! CLEARLY WE DON’T NEED TO!!! Once you’ve examined the costs get back to me. I’ve seen them and I want no part in that shit. Why raise kids when we live in a country that doesn’t care about them? Why join a community if it hinges upon the defamation of another? Why inflict my blood curdling rage on another person?
So that’s where I’m at. I can’t take this anymore. I’m looking at vans to go around the country and find out what the real problem here is. I want to know why people are so intent on harming each other. I want to know what they would prefer people to do. I want to know why they don’t achieve their dreams. I’m so sick of living in this perpetual state of things being fine but shitty. Sick of people telling me that I can’t do anything about it. Sick of hearing kids on the internet spend their time trying to chase down which ethnic group to blame their problems on. Sick of watching some people have everything while my friends and family circle the drain. I’m sick of people thinking that therapy would solve this. Therapy isn’t going to stop people from shooting up the cities where my friends live. Therapy isn’t going to free families from concentration camps. Most of all I’m sick of living. I’m sick of waking up every day to problems I can’t solve, delivering pizza’s to people who couldn’t care less, and getting stoned till I’m just like them. I’m sick of being told to buy. Sick of being told to save what I don’t have. Where’s the 12 step program for life? I’m basically still trying to plan a future because my family and friends want me to. None of them like the guy that is constantly begging for death. That being said if you want someone to stay alive, you’ve got to give them something worth living for. Something more than “Make others a fortune so their kids can drive sports cars while you slowly die” and I haven’t seen anything that breaks out of that besides “hire others to make you a fortune so you and your kids can drive sports cars.” Mind you. I come from the generation that has been told all our wacky moments on the internet will live on forever. I don’t have to go and secure a legacy. That shit is quite secure. So before I leave on a suicide mission to help people on the border, what’s so great about staying here and letting the atrocities continue?
As always, Thank you for reading,
J say of the day: Even if you feel good, it doesn’t mean you are. When you take the time to listen, it will always take you far